Freedom in the truth: It’s not about me

Being a first born, I had always naturally wanted to be the best in all I do; setting the pace for the ones behind me. I loved being praised. I remember a time in nursery school when I cried insisting that my teacher calls me a good girl (yep…it was that serious). She refused and I was frustrated. I had to go home and tell mom. She calmed me down and somehow, I knew I was good even though my teacher refused to say it. So, I grew up with that kind of notion and before long, I began to feel the weight of it. 

The downsides of this mindset started showing when I began living independently. My parents who I would run to were now so far away. It was time to face the bull by its horns. Many were the times I would quickly resolve to mediocre when I saw that being good wouldn’t pay off as much. This mostly happened when I knew no one was watching and hence there would be no acknowledgement or a pat on the back for my good actions. This kept happening until recently when I slowly began learning the truth, and it transformed me. Completely.

Image.2013.http://www.freecdtracts.com

Largely, my life began taking a U-turn in the year 2012. I began seeing how I had been doing it all wrong. For those who have known me from way back, I trust they would consider me anything but bad. I have come to learn that creating a façade of being altogether lovely is so easy. This has helped me refrain from judging the people around me; you can never truly see the whole picture. Displaying this façade is bondage of its own kind; it equates living a lie. The approval of human beings brings a pleasant tinge to the heart; but how quickly it fades into worthlessness is just utterly heartbreaking. It leaves you yearning for more of it and every time, it leaves the same empty space. The feeling just keeps getting worse with time. It then develops into a neediness which can easily lead one into extremes, trying to satisfy the unquenchable.

It was not an easy truth to take in. Four years down the line is when I would say I am beginning to scratch the surface of this liberating concept. It is not about me. 

Chaotic self-love

Everything about the world we live in today will most certainly encourage love for self. Is loving yourself wrong? Absolutely not! It is actually good to love yourself. Jesus tells us in the book of Mark 12:31 to ‘…love your neighbor as yourself.’ However, today the self has been exalted far much higher than all else. The question ‘What is in it for me?’ has become far too common, even in the body of Christ. 

Competition is another manifestation of self-love whose consequences are evident even in the church; and I am not talking about the positive competition of outdoing another in doing them good. Competition can never have positive outcome when your desire is being known as the most powerful worship leader in church, the most charismatic, crowd-drawing preacher in town or the best go-to-person on matters spiritual. There is nothing wrong when it is people giving you these labels (though you need to be extremely careful not to allow them get into your head). A problem comes in when you are actually striving to have people place these labels on no one else but you. It is such selfish ambitions that will lead to feelings of jealousy and envy when we see other people gaining more accolades than we are. When you begin to get frustrated just because so and so seems to be doing better than you are, then you need to sit back and evaluate your motives. Why are you serving in that ministry? Are you doing it for God or just to create a name for YOURSELF? 

Living for God

So here comes the bombshell of all times. My life is not my own. As a Christian, I need to surrender my ways to God and hold nothing back. I thank God for William McDowell. His popular song ‘Withholding nothing’ has ministered to me in a big way. It is hard to believe that for many years, I have sang the song ‘I surrender all’ and yet my mind never quite registered what the lyrics really meant. Galatians 2:19-20a says ‘For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me…’ It is Christ who lives in me now. Accepting this truth and praying that I truly die to self has indeed changed my life.

My focus has shifted, my priorities have been rearranged and my life seems to have more substance right now, at least more than before. I no longer do good things to be seen or praised by people. I no longer live for me, myself and I. ‘…I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me’ (Galatians 2:20b). I would say that this is the most liberating truth I have ever heard (John 8:32). It puts me at a place of striving to be a genuine and authentic human being just to please Him. Whether applauds from my fellow humans come or not has ceased to matter. He alone is to be glorified through it all.

This may seem a little hard to chew for those new in the faith. Like I said, it took me quite some time before grasping this; and this is just a tip of the iceberg. Everything in our flesh will lead us away from this truth. This is because we are naturally born selfish. However, we thank God for His amazing grace. As you slowly yield to the leading of the Holy Spirit, spending time reading the word of God and in prayer, you will eventually find walking in the spirit more fulfilling than walking in the flesh. You will learn how to surrender your will to God, trusting Him to lead you right. It takes deliberate effort to allow Christ to live in us, and only then can He set us free (John 8:36).

I will close with this wonderfully profound quote by Ian Thomas from his book ‘The Mystery of Godliness’:

The Christian life can be explained only in terms of Jesus Christ, and if your life as a Christian can still be explained in terms of you—your personality, your willpower, your gift, your talent, your money, your courage, your scholarship, your dedication, your sacrifice, or your anything—then although you may have the Christian life, you are not yet living it.